What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 24.06.2025 22:17
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I always feel very tired after I do some exercises, even after a night's sleep. What's the problem?
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Why do men cheat on their wives with someone extremely unattractive?
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He resisted the act ,that day.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
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I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I think the readers, may guess!
Why did i forgive my father ?
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And i lived it daily.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
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He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
One cannot live in the past .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
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The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
When she asked me how she looked .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
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We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I couldn’t, believe it.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
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.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But it wasn’t much.
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So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
All the time i was locked up.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I write beautiful poetry .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
She married twice! .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Put me off passion for life!!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
But ive been too sick for many years..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I could never make a relationship work though!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
(And it was in our own minds.)
I was 9 years of age.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
It was going to be , some day.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I don,t even have a pension.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I was scared of men, in general
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
And who doesn’t know suffering?
We were not on the streets..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I waited trembling.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I will be 64.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I was very sick at this time too.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
What did i know ?
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I said to her
Who then, do I blame.?
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
My life is so biszare .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
So whats the point in blame.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
So, i spoilt her more .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
My family never makes their pension either.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
This is soul school!.
She wouldn,t have been !
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Ive learnt so much.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
She found it foreign!.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
But, we were locked up after school.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Would this be the day?
He knew the spot.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
We all went to grammer schools
Comes on , in middle age.
I was seconnd youngest,
She loved him until the end.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Im still living with it.
I never cut or harmed myself..
She was in good health!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I have no regrets .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.